Sunday, 29 December 2013

Craig Ferguson Speaks From The Heart

way back home

its nearly time for wrapping things up for this christmas in scotland, im coming to terms with having no sleep and all ideas.

projectwise it keeps on shaping. i went to the tackshop i used to work in, and bought the T touch textbook for dressage. the rest of my christmas money is going towards the deposit for my Ttouch course in March.  I decided, that im not just doing it so that humans may have opportunity to gain inner peace, but also that a different perspective towards horses may develop. and i am coming to believe that this might be through using the Ttouch technique (founded by Linda Tellington Jones, you can find more information on the TtouchUK website.) The training involves six days, and six evenings camping. which im sure will bring its own story in 2014.

Theres a dutch song, i've posted below in earlier blogs .Spijt. it translates to Sorrow. Sorry. and as time in 2013 draws in, its time to draw some lines. to prepare for the new year coming. Theres been some frienships this year that really gave feeling of disappointment. To be a vehicle for passing out love, and love without expectation, its bloody difficult, and near impossible. and the line draw is that i dont have to hold that weight of disappointment, and the sooner i can draw the line and let it go, the better i will feel. giving care towards others is fine, but thats not to say that they will even recognise it, or respect it, or even carry it forward. and thats ok, now thats getting to be ok. i'm not sorry that i showed care and consideration, and i'm not sorry i met those people on my path, and im now especially not sorry i've drawn a line and walking away from it.  someone once said that if you dont like the people that you are attracting into your life, then its time to change something in yourself. and thats what i've been recognising this year.  In caring for others this year, i've been looking away too much in what needs encouraging and feeding in my own life. and not just the project.

I met a friend in the last few days, her mother had died in the last few months. and her husband had one immense conclusion from it. if you should die tomorrow, the important thing is that you have lived life to the best standards that you can, and those standards can only be set by you. not ever by anyone elses expectations.

The next morning, i met another friend, who was absolutely queen of her own. queen of her own life. she has the most beautiful child that i have ever met (i work with many beautiful children, but this truly is an extra ordinarily beautiful soul). Queen of her own, well she was happy where she was, and in control of where she was. she chose to have a child, and at a time when she had travelled where she wanted to, had created a career that she had wanted, and now mastered it in being able to be strong in her boundaries in parenting her child. I admired seeing this all within a coffee catchup.  if life graces me with two or three more years (one can never be sure). this is a situation that i would like to be in. Queen of my own.

Gery Mendes - Way back home

Thursday, 26 December 2013



Be humble

one flower
one hive

be humble 

all time

be humble

self intoxicating
live the give

be humble be

a just be
be honey

Written by Unom Jg.  Unom's spoken word performances are just amazing. You can find more details at Poetry Circle NoWhere in Amsterdam.  His next peformance is Circ/Us at Dansmakers Amsterdam from the 4th til the 12th of January 2014. More details can be found on his Facebook page. 

David Craig #3 live on

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

God only knows

An ex of mine used to always say, well nicki, whats the next step. he was a scrapper, a survivor, a business man, a conman. and for the latter reason, a most definate Ex.  i dont like washing dirty laundry in public, but his parting line is priceless, and i challenge anyone else to come up with a better one.

"..could you ATLEAST do my laundry before I leave." 

And I did. But only graciously to a point. He left with a bin bag of wet laundry. I can't ever say that I wish I never met him. I don't. He was the first partner who was a spiritual match. He cleaned my energy up, and also taught me what to respect in myself. He also taught me to think forward. Whats the next step, and do it.

I had a spiritual clean up today. On Christmas day. Its always very bizarre when it happens. I dont know why, but since arriving in Scotland, I had a feeling of being spiritually open, and in someways vulnerable. Two days before hand, i woke up with incredibly bad pins and needles in my hands, to the point i was banging my hands against the wall in my sleep to ease it (at 2 in the morning, allow me to be a drama queen). and since being at home, i've been in the feeling of washed away. waves of energy, and I dont know how to feel grounded and focus within it.  I dont want to feel alarm about it. so i just thought, if i have patience, it will pass.

My mum and dad live on a small housing estate in the middle of the countryside. and a couple of years ago, a university friend of my dads who is married to a school friend of my mums. (yes i know.. apparently there was even more dynamics to it in the seventies, but as its my parents, i REALLY dont want to know). well, they moved in to a house along the cul de sac. And when my parents mix with them, and their other close friends, there is a huge ammount of laughter, and scottish wry wit.

My Dads friend popped by, looked down at the christmas roundrobbin we'd been sent from his sisters family. Gosh.. you get this too? .. I dont think anyone reads it, or looks at it without *pulls a "oh for goodness sake face. .. infact its only Steven who really takes any interest in it, and thats only because hes a sucker for tradition.... all that could easily be written in two sentences... "our family is wonderful, and we leave fascinating lives. full stop" He then went onto complain that he had to get a stocking packed for his daughters boyfriend was visiting. I mean come on.. i heard Kat talking .. well we do it for the kids.. The Kids?! come on!! the 25year olds?! i think next year Christmas should only be about US!

Tonight we went to their house for a christmas tipple. We sat in a huge circle. And within a minute, their two cats were sitting beside me facing me. And of course, being me, i say hello as if they were humans. thats what i do.   and then it began. they began to communicate. and i know that they were putting intention towards me, because when a cat looks at you, they dont lie. everyone knows that at least.
I began to feel the same buzz in my hands as if i was standing beside a huge clean crystal.  and then the dialogue began, and i began to tune to it as i started to feel spiritually more grounded and "cleaned up"

let me see says cat. let me see if it can bring the energy from your wrist to your neck...
you need to feel clean again, because you have to focus. you must trust in what we say, you must move the project forward. even if it results in financial debt, the lord will take care of you. We are taking effort to clean you, so that you can bring healing forward to others, this is how it works.  now let me see if i can raise your energy further...

The buzzy energy rose from my hands, to my wrists, to half way past my elbow. and when i returned home, i felt relaxed, and refreshed.

But the feeling of being refreshed, allows ideas, and that itchy feeling of not doing something about it.   So I've made the first steps towards attending the Ttouch course for horses. I signed the paper, and promised that i would follow through But please god, if i do this, let me have a full nights sleep. I dont have full nights sleeps at the moment, it takes me a lot of time to switch off from processing what the best thing to do next? how will i? how can i? who will? how would? thinkthinkthinkthinkthink

so i hope after this. i can have a restful sleep, and feel conscious for the rest of the holidays. thats my bargaining with goddygod. i hope it works.

so far... i have made my first website!  and made moves to make my first Facebook page!

the next steps are to look for funding for the courses, for the ponies, and for the financial support of the project until its complete for take off, please email me if you feel inspired to join the party!  nothing great is ever achieved by one person, its the team behind them, and man oh man i am looking for some more inspired team members!

I sit now watching the last part of Love Actually. Eating my chocolate orange. and listening to the ending, God only knows what i'd be what i'd be without you. and its true.  My family, and friends gave me christmas bundles of inspiration books, and a new diary - DARE TO DREAM. and thats what i'm daring to do, i am daring to follow through. I dare you to do that too!

Merry Christmas x

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Epiphany continued

When I was cleaning for keeps in the christian hostel, part of the deal was to attend a morning devotion before starting work. Devotion included a cup of tea, reading a bible passage with the group, and discussion with it afterwards. The group was ever chaning due to the one month contract, and ever fluctuating with spiritual opinions, though not necessarily christian. That's what I liked about it, people without being christian, discussing life, values, experiences and god. Really a spiritual hothouse. Mei was a favourite of mine. Still living in her chaos, and still energy consuming to listen to, and a self proclaimed artist.  She showed me her portfolio, I liked it, but not as much as she did, " you see Nic, this is much better than picasso, this has movement whereas Picasso figures only do this.." , and she strikes quite a funny statue pose.

One questioned posed in devotion, which my answer could not be understood by Mei, was What is your favourite place. My answer was the shower. Nooo noooo says Mei, it cannot be the shower, it has to be a place of where to stay, or a place of beauty. You cannot say the shower..

One of my favourite places is the shower. Its a place to relax, to feel clean, to be still, only to listen to the sound of water, and to enjoy the smell of soap. Yes Mei, I love the shower as a place to just be.

Mei made a lot of wise points, sometimes. A point that I keep remembering is about provision. If you hold your hand out flat, open to receiving blessings, you cannot grip hold, you must keep your hand flat open to receiving blessings and be grateful. But, Mei said, we also have to remember that if god takes away, we shouldn't be angry because what was being blessed onto you wasn't yours in the first place. And we should just be happy we've experienced it, and stay open for the next blessing.

Get Mei's point? I do, blessings allow love to flow, you can't tie love with ownership.

I am trying to hold on to this gratefulness at the moment, and faith that at somepoint the blessing will connect to make sense.  I like the philosophy of I am because we are. I like being on peoples teams, its habit to enthuse, but to expect that enthusiasm and support from the people you hope will give it doesn't always go to plan.  Its been a circle of feeling dissappointment. So to change that I'm concentrating on Mei's openhand suggestion.  To stay open for people who are positive in brigining the project forward.  It takes the stress out of it. So at the moment, instead of a tightknit team who meets daily, I have some wonderful encouraging people who without knowing it are working in a tagteam level. It alleviates the pressure and keeps a feeling of fun.  And it should feel fun, its a project made from love and connection, so why should it feel dismal?? No sir, it should feel like a cocktail party in fullswing.

They say, if life gives you lemons - make lemonade
                                                                                                           ... well I say, why not make margharitas?"

- Rupert Isaacson, founder of the horseboy foundation.

Next week, I'll fill in more details in which my tag team are moving me/us forwards.

But if you'll now excuse me, its time for my shower.

Monday, 2 December 2013

Come as you are

Its my sisters birthday tomorrow, I've put a national plee for reminders.  My brothers bithday is in march, and this year with money being a bit short, I made something with what I had. A sort of graffiti design ripped from a magazine and collaged. Sent on time too which is pretty amazing.

A few weeks later I was skyping with my sister. We're spread out siblings see, my brother .ikes scottish rivers to kayak on, and long standing mates to go for a drink with when the sport is done for the day.  I like the daylight and big skies in the netherlands, and for its flaws in society under scrutiny at the moment, its been accepting and supportive of my sensitivity.

My sister lives with her family in sicily. She was always more of the traveller, the thought of routine freaked her out. She was away for most family christmasses, and the ones she was around for, she'd phone me in panic asking if I knew any homeless orphans we could invite to make the event a little more interesting.

She was in love with Ecuador, and lived there on and off for a few years. Her fallout with religion came from volunteering in a Guatamalan orphanage. Where it was thought any proceeds were spent on the directors dog. I heard half of dads phonecall with her try not to kick the dog.. its not his fault..

It wasn't just church. My sister from early childhood expressed detest for organised group activities, she's extremely extrovert but her attitudes do reflect the offbeat and quirky friends she has.

I took charlotte to a party of hers once. And we came in on a lubricated opinion, ohh I hate catholics.. you're not catholic are you? ..turning to charlotte, who is very diligent to her faith..yes.

But she has this ability to deliver the most tactless opinion in the most charismatic and humourful way. And in that way, I've seen friends reflect on these hard truths and take it with a smile.  Mary, a lovely friend of mine is vegetarian. Unaware of this sister dear, well.. aach vegetarians, they're just so grippyGrippy, a scottish way of meaning over particular. Mary, who could be snippy, just laughed.. we are..

So getting back to the skype session,  we always check between us to see if atleast one of us has remembered a family birthday. We'd both remembered our brothers. And since matthews is in march and pips was all the way back december, I was in full false sense of security.

Yes mum was saying how nice you're card was.. and home made too!
I just think that's wonderful!

Aww shucks I think, how to take praise humbly I wonder.. shortlived I find..

..and I just think its wonderful that you take the time to make it, and post it. When  NOT ONE OF YOU remembered MY birthday!!

So yeah, if you can remind me tomorrow that it's Pips birthday, that would be great.